its warmer and colder. softer and harder. less mailcious and more fatal with each passing thought. its becaoming easier and harder. it seems more appealing and ugly still. They say, when you meet the love of your life, time stops, and that's true. What they don't tell you is that when it starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up. 
 thats what ed bloom said (see: big fish). the story bigger than life its self. the magical way he pushes aside the popcorn stuck in mid air mid time just to get an absolutely clear glimpse ofthe woman he wants to marry. and the stark bright colors and her bright red lipstick seem to jump out at you form the screen. and theres a sadness and a longing in her eyes that refuse to be spoken off and staright away you knwo that only ed bloom can light that glint in her eyes and make her smile truly.

 

the car under the water in the worst thunder storm ed bloom had ever seen. the fish swam past. ed bloom was in the car as dry as wood. and somehow this scene seemed absurdly normal. the lady in teh water swam by and he looked at her, eyes full of belief. and she puts her hadns on the glass pane of the window and you can see her slim bony fingers.and you know that is what a mermaids hand should look like. you know thats shes real and not just a figment of his imagination. and he places his hand on heers thru the glass and you can feel that connection. you dont know who she is. but you know shes willdly beautiful. and maybe shes ugly and scary and she'll break the widow and scare the living day lights out of him. but soemthing beautiful inside you stirs upo and you know that the lady in the lake is just a beautiful part of your heart. and his. and she is real.

 

and the stories are all real.everythign is real. the way we wlak the way we tlk. the stories we tell. we tell mopre than we know but we also know more tahn we tell. and in the end its all good. it all gets evened out and we began to feel like ourselves again. and we began to believe in mermaids and witches and men who are 50 ft tall. we begin to belive in our selves and we begin to live a life thats bigger than the one we know now.

and when we actually begin to see sounds spiral above your head and land gently on your nose and eye lashes becomign tiny droplets of glitter. i wnat to be the big fish in the small pond. and everyone should smile the day i die.

 

"I caught an uncatchable fish." -- Ed Bloom

 

and i go on and on in this world like i never even existed. these world already have been written in some deep dark place in my mind and all they ave to do is flow down to my arms and oput of my finhgers onto the hey board and there we go we have a piece of writting anf now already on Notepad ive got two and a hlaf lines. and these words mean aboslutely nothing. they are not to imply and sort of hidden truth or reveal a lie. its just a vent, a window, a door, a tool of ventilation. it feels like im suffocating my self if i dont write for long. its like whne youre under water. theres is time when you can hold your breath. then it begins to go to your head and all your mind is thinking is, BREATHE. i wish i could go into the larger detalis of math. i know all the screts are hidden tehre. well not only there, but only when sience, philosophy, psychology, math and religion are put together in appropriate balances, will all the screts unfold and unfurl and leav nothing unsaid. but the concoction is highly unstable in an atmosphere full of highly opinionated human beings. no one is really that bothered with wnating to know what lies beyond whatere we know.i mean if you actually come to look at it with a naked but resonable eye, its like all weve learnt is a lie. what goes up, must come down. what has a beginning must ahve an end. everything must end somewhere. but where does space end? for that matter where does it begin? and where is does end (if it does end) what comes after that? more space? another maillion and trillion galxies that go on for miles and miles? what after that? there must be someting. it cant just be science. and it cant just not be science. we/re living in this huge complex mystry that we are refusing to disect and understand. we try to make life easier for our selves without looking at the bigger picture. why are we here? why do we live and then die? because we dont understand what we;'ve been put here for. its all one massive tests we keep failing agian and again and again.

psychobabble you say. but maybe i make sense to me. and tahts enough to keep me writing.

 

 

 

 

Regina Ave Maria

Sugar Bowl

 

 

Beautiful and loyal.

You strike up around me

Like the sweet smell of pine trees.

And you enter my system

And play with my leaden heart.

I don’t think

I just say

I let words drip from my fingers

Like honey from my tongue.

My hands are long

And nails are cracked.

My lips are bleeding

And eyes are dry.

And they have been dry for longer than they should.

You don’t give me a reason

And you don’t whet my anger.

 

And the beautiful breezes from the west

Sweep at my skin.

And I can smell the smells of a thousand cities

And I can feel the happiness of a million people.

Voices that laugh in my head

They are only drugged.

 

I try to give genius company

But I don’t feel

Worthy enough,

I feel suffocated

And I feel suppressed.

And weak.

 

And in far away towers

Lies the rings that I must wear

The one that should adorn\

My pretty hands

The one that should sparkle in my eyes.

The clouded forests calls out to me

Disappointed.

She thought I would return.

 

My inspiration has run dry.

I do not love like I did

And I do not detest like I did.

My feelings have run all together too short.

I don’t feel different

And I don’t feel wracked by pain.

And I feel absurd

And normal.

 

And all my vices are not vices.

They are merely short comings of another day

When they could still again

Be recovered.

And all my words float way beyond mankind.

And way beyond the questions of this universe.

I feel stubbed out

Like a half smoked cigarette.

I’ve been drugged far too much.

And I need to write.

I need to feel.

And I need to cry.

 

I need to become me.

Its not fair that they did this to me.

Its not fair that I let them do this to me.

I need to feel.

I will otherwise die.

Metaphorically of course.

But I rather die a hundred literal deaths

Than die one death metaphorically.

For the pain of that one death lives on and on and on

Till your heart is tired of beating and one day stops.

I am just another conception of someone’s boredom.

And I am just another long pregnant silence.

I am the art and the artist.

I am the medicine and the doctor.

I am the horrid truth that you wish not to know.

I am the never ending scream

And the banshee from which the scream emits.

I am a million people

And I am only one woman.

I am the blade and the blood

Than drops down

Like an amateur ballerina

From the fresh wound in my thigh.

 

Someone somewhere is praying for money.

Someone somewhere is at a party, drunk.

Someone somewhere is being raped and enjoying it.

Someone somewhere is sitting naked

In front of book

And feeling exactly as I do

In this very moment.

And I reach out to him

But he cant see me.

The tender voice that resounds in my mind is the one I wish to forget.

There is more love in his voice than anyone else’s.

And we both crave just for that.

For love.

To love.

To be loved.

But the kisses were as sweet as honey.

Sweet like the words that drop from my mouth.

The sugar bowl only began to over flow.

And somewhere you can hear your name spoken, in soft whispers. You lie alone, wounded, unable to move. Somehow you muster up all your energy and emit a gentle groan. “Yes. I’m here” you try to say. But it won’t understand. The whispers wander through lonely dark corridors, and say your name, again and again to the insidious darkness. You can feel the dried blood on the corner of your mouth, caked around your lips. Vomit is rising in your throat. You don’t even have the energy took over the side of your bed or get up. The vomit overflows and drips down the sides of you mouth and the rich stench rises into your nostrils and goes straight to your head. Your eyes can’t even see the cobwebs above you clearly. How long have you been here?

Too long, my sweet.

Too long.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(dedicated to Joy)

somewhere i lose myself in time and pull down my guard and let the troubles of the world trouble me and i remain happy in that moment knowing i am alive and my heart is still beating. i look back and i see the rate at which i was falling. then it seemd like the whole world was moving in slow motion. it was like a sick drug trip. etylene maybe. i gather up my courage now and look back and squint at the immence darkness and i see how fast i was moving. faster than fast forward. then i thought there were lights all aorund me. but it was juts the overwhelming power of hurt. and i drifted higher and higher or lower and lower. i still cant make out. i was drifting into some kind of depressed oblivion. i dont know if i was under the bridge wiating for it to crumble onto me or over it, wiating for the river to flood me over.

 

here i sit, after sleeping on the sand for too many days, letting the sun kiss me and rape my white skin, and i enjoyed it all along. the graze of the sandbetween my toes, my calves, my thigh, my ass, further up my back and i let my hair spill over. something seemed to be missing though, excoet when the sun would set. at that exact moment i would hear a tiny splash and waves would come forth running towards me, washin my tanned body onto the shore. when i slept i woke up with sand sprinkled on my face. the first thing i'd do is smile into the mirror. i look at that green and blak capsule and i stare at it. this is what it has come to. the only power keeping me from dropping over into insanity is a drug. i feel devoid of principles but special in a way thats good or bad. but then again, good and bad are very relative words.

 

and like drift wood my minds floats in the ocean and it forms and sculpts it into something so atrociously ugly, we think its beautiful. my eyes are swollen form lack of sleep and some unreathly ifection and my the end on the next two days i will end up looking like a frog. i remeber once he called me a pretty frog, and how that made me smile!

 

the heat sways around me and compresses me in layers of bubble wrap. i spend my time burting it. is it all just my imagination? what exactly have i lost? how one place or one person can make your heart and stomach sink so low, you almost belive its been retrieved by the devil himself.am i insane? how do i know if i am? how do i know if i'm not.

 

ive not cried for far too long. the drugs are working perfectly. im not depressd anymore. i dont feel like hurting myself or breaking things. im normal. i smile and i sulk and to everything a normally sane person would do. but tomorrow if i stop taking it, will i be the same? is this really what its come to? a tiny drug keeping control of my life. it feels melodramatic and romantic. ive just been sedated. i can feel that tremedous energy sleeping inme. restless. uncomfertable. but drugged.

 

watermelon juice cravings and finaly i get it. the relief that flows through my broken dry body and fills up the cracks. i dont understand hindu mythology. when five brothers covet one woman, and she is the wife of all five of them, shouldnt she be cosidered a whore?

 

i dont feel like im home but there is no place else i rather be than here right now. i feel a little lost. im just not used to myself this way. how would anyone ever realise the absolute depth of the feelings i feel. shivers run through my body and i know id ont belong to anyone.

 

we lose 21 grams when we die. and we lose those 21 grams alone. we die alone. we end alone. just the sme way we begin alone. when youre alone all your life, there is nothign sweeter than good complany form time to time.  oral temptaions can very well rule over mind, heart and body. but what when your tongue isnt as sweet anymore. what when you dont know when to stop shoving it inside my mouth? what when you dont use it enough? should i just discard you like a deflated bag of chips? or stand closer to you and teach you my trick of my trade? maybe im just a sexually frustraed plastic bag in need of a good fuck and a cigarette. would you then relaly wnat me to be a part of your wonderfully imperfect life? suppose i just walk away form you and her and him and them and everyone? suppose im just your imagination? what if youre mine?

 

it feels like a game now. approval and disapproval. to many uppers, downers, colors and lights. too fucking much for me to understand. but yet i will persist to undretsand what this greater force behind everything is. yet i will never stop till i have answers to all my questions. i'll torture myself endlessly and i'll write a gazillion menainglesswords and then i'll write a gazillion more. i'll drive myself into a straitjacket. and i'll scratch into my arm till my nails graze my bone. but i cnat stop. 

 

i need to keep wirting but my body feels to big or too small. am i scared to be alone or am i sacred i will stop living and plainly only breathe to exist with a leaden heart?  the phone echos in my head. the sirens blar somehwere in the distance. or id like to believe so. my sadistic pleasure will get the best of me.

 

do you feel better when i hurt you? because id feel better if youd hurt me.

 

 

 

 

Regina Ave Maria

would i marry you? hmmm... i wonder if i would. suppose you were to get down on your knees before me right now and ask me to marry you, what would i say? laugh at you and pretend i think youre joking? or would i cry cause im so confused. would i get freaked out of my mind and run and run till i cant? would i say yes and hug you? or just sit there shell shocked, not knowing what to do, hoping the earth would swallow me whole? whay does the thought scare me, but in a good way too? why do i feel like i could perhaps marry you maybe one day?  geeezz....no im not pormising my self to you or nuffing... but why doenst it not feel wrong? why didnt i freak out and chnage the subject? why ma i not fretting about it now? why do you seem to fit me this way? im scared to talk about you to nayone because im scared of feeling hwta  ma. but im lareday feelign what im scared of feeling. should i talk about this more. but im scared of what people might say . "be careful, he might hurt you." and i know you say you wont. but the last time eveyone said it it was true. he hurt me. and im not comparing you to him, even if i was you'd turn out to be like ages better. but im scared. its not somthing i have control of. i mean i might have control over it. but im too sacred to not be sacred and so i cnat put my guard down.

 

maybe i am this ice berg. he was the chisel who treid to break me down by hitting into me with dire force. and you. you seem like the heat who warmly melts me into a cool slush.

 

 

would i marry you?......... hmmmmm.... earn a name for yourself on your own steam and i just might.

 

 

 

Regina Ave Maria

ive woken up this morning a few minutes ago. the first thing i did was remove my plates and push two pieces of chocolate into my mouth. after i was dont eating, i opened up eyes, looked around the bed desperately for my phone, found it under one of the pillows, then  took a quick glance at my nail polish.. no no smudges. fine. swung my legs off the bed and slouched my way to my laptop. and here i am sitting, still in my night shirt, but with a fresh paint of nail polish to secure in the last coat. i washed my hair just last evening but it feels all notty and matted cause id dint brush it yesterday. and im sitting here writing my blog when i havent even had the pleasent hygine to first brush my teeth. but since when have i started caring?? never. no ones here, no ones aorund me. why should i care ow i look, smell, or for that matter of fact, taste? bull shit. whatever... this is just my sleep playing on me. i hate wkaing up ven f im waking up on my own. and i cant wait for goa.

 

10 more days! just 10 more days and im a crazy beach girl! i cant wiat to stnd on the beach and feel the slaty air whip around my face and hear the whooosh of the waves and feel the soft gravel of sand inbetween my toes. oh it going to be fun. absolute fun.

 

my eyes are burning. they alwasy do in the mornings. i wish i could go back to sleep but i know i wont be able to sleep now that ive woken up. ive been listeing to a whole lot of jerry lee lewis and little richard recently. and i love that shit. ive grown up listeing to those men. and i got this sudden urge to dnace, and really dnace and there came on jerry and richard. and yes its so muh fun listeing to them. that is music right there. true fun music. you cant do nuffing but enjoy this music. come on over baby whole lotta shaking going on! i loove loove that song! no one gives this kind of music competition. this is truely dance music. not the suff you hear at the discos (not that i dont like it, and this isnt even a preferance, just my opinion), not daddy yankee, not sean paul, jennifer lopez, bodyrockers, man,,...no one makes music like the kings used to. and in a way that cool cause these men will be treasured and cherished till the end of the human race.

 

ok...mybe now i should go brush my teeth. i dont really appreciate much this dark brown taste in my mouth. laters then.

 

Regina Ave Maria

i feel this tiny stab of insecurity nagging me. if ive always been fucked over in the past, does that give me reason to believe i always will be? so should i doubt the people who havent fucked me over yet? will they eventually fuck me over? should i wait for it, ready and prepared? i say i am. i say i dont expect shit out of anyone. and thats such a big lie. talk destroys me. it never bothered me before. but now the smallest thing i hear, i began to doubt. and i hate that. i wish i didnt. and the insecurity stabs me like a happy little knife, deriving innocent pleasure. and all i wnat now is to cry. cry about everything and cry about nothing. i want to just let all the tensions all the worries all the past all the present all the good times all the bad times all the mistakes all the guilt all the hurt all the nostalgia all the lost memories...everything...to just evaporate and surge my body. my mind feels filthy. the floors are dusty and cobwebs hang frm the ceilings. im just so used to being this big egoistic bitch, so used to pretending to be strong that ive forgotten how to cry anymore. and i doubt everyone and i hate that i do.  im scared. like tiny little kitten who has climbed so far up a tree i dont know how to gte back down. and every fire engine that does roll by past isnt stopping to get me down. they all for the other kittnes. and even if they stopped im too proud to tell them im stuck.

 

i wnat someone to hold me and let me cry even if im not sad. i wnat someone to understand i need to cry even if theres nothing to cry about. i wnat someone who i can cry infront of and still feel strong.

 

and for once I, I wnat to crawl into someone's arms, someone who is strong, and for once i wnat to cry and be the weaker person.

 

 

(please no comments on this one if at all)

 

N

I didn’t know that when I sing, my voice is worse than it sounds to me. I didn’t know I could be a nerd. I didn’t know that songs I hardly listen to have more meaning that the ones I put on repeat. I didn’t know my room was my universe. I didn’t know I had a fetish for underwear. I didn’t know I couldn’t attract bad boys. I didn’t know I have more than ten freckles on my face. I didn’t know how hard and frustrating writers block is. I didn’t know I actually look better without a tan. I didn’t know that not getting messages or calls on my cell for a day could depress me endlessly. I didn’t know that I was strong enough to stop my tears when I wanted to cry. I didn’t know I was weak enough to let the tears just flow out when it turned to be too overwhelming. I didn’t know that something insignificant could hurt me. I didn’t know I was so judgmental. I didn’t know I had gotten used to someone else’s vision of paradise. I didn’t know where all the pain goes when I can’t feel it anymore.

 

 

I didn’t know how badly I want to have kids soon. I didn’t know that I don’t really need a man in my life. I didn’t know that I actually believe that love is worth all the pain it puts you through. I didn’t know that I actually don’t regret anything I’ve done. I didn’t know how much home means to me. I didn’t know how much I miss the stinging cold wind of the Indian winter. I didn’t know that I’m actually proud of turning down the most alluring temptation. I didn’t know I still get butterflies in my stomach. I didn’t know how much I lean on memories. I didn’t know that flattery never leaves a stain on me. I didn’t know that all I want is an object to crave.

 

 

I didn’t know that loneliness is a drug that gives me satisfaction no one else can. I didn’t know how much of a habit it has become. I didn’t know that I’d actually fall prey to a blank mind in an open space. I didn’t know how safe I felt in my own skin. I didn’t know how happy I am in spite of all the times I complain. I didn’t know how deep I’ve plunged into my own world. I didn’t know that I was far beneath the surface. I didn’t know I was running out of oxygen. I didn’t know I might not have time to do what I want tomorrow. I didn’t know that I could be attached to someone I don’t even know. I didn’t know that I’m afraid of water and heights. I didn’t know I was capable of growing up so fast. I didn’t know I was capable of being the person I am. I didn’t ever think I would be the person I am now. Somehow in my mind I pictured me different.

 

 

I didn’t know how attention seeking I am. I didn’t know how much more attention seeking I get when I dance. I didn’t know I had lost my rhythm somewhere in the past when all I knew was absolute fun. I didn’t know that all I was doing then was just having fun without second thought. I didn’t know that this chapter would come out this way. I didn’t know this book can’t really be a best seller. I don’t know if I’ll be a happier famous face or a happier famous name. I didn’t know how much I longed for riches and luxuries. I didn’t know how much I missed the forest. I didn’t know how much I wanted to become a mermaid and swim with the dolphins and the turtles. I didn’t know how much I love sunsets and sunrises. I dint know that I believed in the tooth fairy for the longest time. I didn’t know that if you listened hard enough you could hear a splash when the sun sets on the water horizon.

 

 

I didn’t know how hard it is to let go. I didn’t know a person could become a habit. I didn’t know that once you let go you can go back. I didn’t know that even when you want something bad enough there will be times you won’t get it. I didn’t know that when you fall slowly it actually feels like your flying until you hit the ground and you hear your bones crush. I didn’t know that I am mature enough for my age. I didn’t know I’m ready to do anything. I didn’t know that I’d ever miss my dad so much even after having him gone so often since I was born. I didn’t know that there are something’s you simply can’t ever get used to. I didn’t know that sandwiches always taste better when mom or dad make them. I didn’t know that being an elder sister could have benefits. I didn’t know that I could feel a hundred at eighteen. I didn’t know that little babies actually do make you feel old and worn out. I didn’t know that I’m roaring so loud with the joy of life that people truly turn around and stare. I didn’t know that I’m prone to pimples on days I least need them. I didn’t know that one never knows when he’s neck high in shit because he’s gotten so used to the smell already. I didn’t know that the changes your friends go through hurt more than the ones you go through.

 

 

I didn’t know that messages in the middle of the night from even a stranger could make you feel needed. I didn’t know the exact amount of times you need to get burnt till you get that it’s never going to heal. I didn’t know that beauty does in fact lie in the eye of the beholder. I didn’t know I secretly desperately believe in love at first sight. I didn’t know that song could remind me of a smell. I didn’t know how much I believe in the people around in me. I didn’t know that rejection could be attractive. I didn’t know I fight sleep like it’s my worst enemy when actually I urgently long for it.

 

 

I didn’t know I would always get up and dance instead of sitting around and watching. I didn’t know I feel like a child less and less everyday. I didn’t know that that feeling isn’t a pleasant one. I didn’t know that I never close doors to anything that has been left incomplete. I didn’t know how much I wanted to climb the hills I can see from my window. I didn’t know that I remember a lot of my childhood vividly. I didn’t know that my feet automatically move to Latin music. I didn’t know that I could live on music alone and die a happy and satisfied woman.

im in bombay, the city i like to call, the city of a million faces. i stayed here for three months, and i would be a liar if i said those were the best three months fo my life because they most certainly weren't. but bombay has a charm of its own. and i never really felt its charm till i left the city after those three long months. and recently i had his mad urge to go sit on marine drive..... and just sit there. i had a mad urge to walk down peddar road in the night and to go to our ever faithful anna for 'anda burji'. for some strange reason i kinda miss the sticky sweat trickling down my neck in the middle of the morning. not like i want to come back here toght i guess i will have to for a few months later this year. but its all good. bombay is a mysterious place. with so many stories and so many people who will tell them and even more who wont. and a few, or maybe a million trimillion people like me who wnat to know all those various stories. but as usual, i will just sit, shy as hell, on marine drive, merely only letting two second eye contact be my only communication with all the stories that could fill my heart.

 

 

 

regina ave maria

my favourite cheese got fungus. so i threw it in the dustbin. i ddint feel like having toast anymore, so i took out the almost toasted bread from the toaster and ignorantly put it back in the bread box. but then th smell of cooking bread wafted in the air and i chnaged my mind. i put the toast back into the toaster. i threw open the fridge and took out the cheese spread. i smelt it. it was revoting. there were green bits in it, didnt think it was fungus though. garlic bits prolly. "if its fungus i'll prolly die." i said to my self. "hahahaha!! it will be like usicide, except i dont knwo its suicide, but i do now that it could be suicide..its a doubtful suicide." i reached up for the marmite and smelt that too. it reminded me of daddy. the butter was yellow and melted.

 

i swung open the fridge again and slyly looked at the wine bottle. sweet, sweet red wine. i lean back to see if the empty staricase will say empty for longer. and it will. i try pulling out the cork, but it hardly moves. i fix my teeth on it and pray my braces wont fly off. the bottle is open. much like prostitute with her heady sent calling out to me. i plce my lips on hers and tase her sweet, soft taste and suck harder and harder for more. she doesnt satify me like stronger women do. so i put her back away in teh fridge to rot into vinegar. yes. alcohol is a woman.

 

the toast is done. i scoop up a large chunk of butter rub it in on the two golden toasts before the warmth evaportaes into the hot air. and 've been talking all along. not to myself. bt theres no one else here. but ive been talking. i dont even know about what. lather o the cheese, but chnaged my mind about the marmite. wlaked up quite content wid my self. it doesnt tatse that great though.

 

everyday we die and we are born again..... but in the lap of a different thought. summers here. and i can smell it in the air. no fun. no friends. but comferting smell of summers lonliness. what is it that i crave? not company of the highest orders. not expenses. just a simple idea to let my mind sculpt acrheical figures. a warn sense of self satisfaction. ive enterd the planes now. everest is hidden my swarms of clouds. but the sun rises from behind it. a gold halo. the morning mist stings my eyes enjoyably. 

 

right now i'm more me than i could ever possibly be.

 

nothing fades. none of the memories. and its stopped hurting as much. now its burning up into anger. he pushed me to th edge. he promised to catch me if i fell. fall i did. he just stood up there and watched in ennui. all this time he was pretending. and me, blinded by 'ever faithful love', let him hurt me and destroy my mind. he has stained my life. stained everyone of my good days. i feel rejected. i'm trying to be strong when all i wnat to do is break down, and scream and cry. everyone leaves. everyone walks away. and i know that. i know i shoudlnt let myself hurt when they turn their backs. but now when he has turned so completely away from me, i feel lost inside.

 

and he's probably forgotton it all. al the pain he put me through. it will never be the same. i will never be the same. i can never look back and smile. i wnated to give him everything. i wnated to be everything for him. not today. i dont wnat to hear of him, about him or from him.

 

it pains and throbs inside me. did i try to hard? but he droe me over the edge. my head hurts and again the drums sound in my mind. i never thought i would be so messed up. im angry. i want revenge. i wnat him to feel this suffering i have felt for two long long years.

 

the evenin evades me. i feel everythign betray me. the war has begun again. me against the world. this is the last time i let anyone take advantage of me. i will not hide my anger anymore. i will not trust people anymore. im ready to start this game, stronger than before. and more importantly, smarter than before.

 

good-bye to the past. i will find my revenge to make him feel my pain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Regina Ave Maria

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i feel i belong.like liquid dnace movemnets across a silver rink of ice. and i so wnat to dnace to some shake that ass latin music. i wish i had someone icould dnace with. like a gay dnacing partner...as in a dnacing partner who is gay. cause i need to dnace with a guy who will never be interested in me but at the same time have an insane dnacing chemistry because we somhow connect on this totaly different level alltogether...the level where ther are always disco lights.... converse with my body and talk to each curve and caress each turn i rapidly make.bathe in this energy. somehow the spot light maybe all the warmth i ever need.

 

 the public eye should take heed.

           these ARE just worthless aspirations

 

and my head space seems clear and vast. like a never ending ocean. it doesnt seem blocked up and small like it used to. and i do realise that the smogs cleared up. but then why is it that i feel so.... lost? not stranded. but at a loss for something to do. everything is so clear now. crystal clear if i may say so. and i hate this feeling! it drives me crazy! what next? just calm weather? a smile and a promise that you know will be kept. sweetness and love and caring and miles and miles of attention. and here i am. craving for it all to be gone.

 

no wonder that monkey called me a psychotic woman! i am! here i am. in this stage of my life, where i have absolutely everything i could ever possibly need. my lifes ging gret i can assure you. i havent broken down and sobbed for the longest time in three years. i dont feel down right depressed and full of shit anymore. my studies are going great and im actually enjoying it. i ahvent fought with my parents too much. i havent cut myself, i ahvent contemplated suicide. im a cured teenager basically.

 

and now, after all those months wishing and praying for all the hurt, all the confusion to end, my wishes have come true. but, however, here i am again. wanting so desperately to go back to those days where every single thing was as uncertain as the weather.

 

i wnat to understand the higer menaing of who i am. and im at loss now. how do i find it? everythig is so predictable. so unexciting. wheres the adventure gone? where are the complications, the (so called) tragedies? all of its just disolved away. i need to take ou the anger in me, the saddness, the horror, the extreme happiness. back then i could feel so mnay emotions and i would cry because it would all feel so damn heavy. but i could feel to the largest extent. i felt extreme emotions. i felt to the most i could feel.

 

its all limited now. i am growing up. and its so difficult to accept that. i love these years. i dont wnat to gove them up. i wish is wasnt so clear. i wish everything hadnt sunk to the bottom of the ocean. i need something to excite me. everythign just seems so passe. i cant believe im here, wishing i coudl cry again.

 

fight with me. yell at me. treat me like rubbish. give me a reasont o be human. i need to fee life flowing through my veins again. and the only time i feel truly alive is when i feel extreme emotions. i'm going to become like the rest of them. i feel let down by myself. i dont feel that freedom when i wirte anymore. i dont feel bigger than my body. insignificant now. i laugh at myself. this is what i do best. lol! contradict. good good. i should learn form this. everything i have a maddening obsession for, a maddening wnat for, isn't really what i want. its only what i dont have, and as ive learnt, will do better without.

 

im still a freaking child.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

sleep drips from my face in fat drops. and i yawn wihout covering my mouth. but thats okay. im in the confines of my room. i want to sleep. but i fight it like its my worst enemy. i dont need sleep. i just make my self believe that i do. my nightmares are coming back again. and again i'm getting scared to fall asleep. i can feel the seven year old in me wincing away at the thought of sleep again. she's so sacred. and its my duty to protect her.so i let her lie awake till she dies of exhaustion? there isnt a way to calm her down. i think she will eventually sleep when i close my eyes. but it hurts me when she sees the dreams and screams out in mental pain. why does she have to part of this? wasnt her childhood screwed up enough? i scream up at empty heavens. but no one seems to hear me. and the seven year old is sitting in the corner of my mind crying. and all i want to do is reach out to her and hold her. but shes just out of my reach. i should sing to her till she falls asleep.

 

 

 

 

Regina Ave Maria

build up your own high.

when you feel low

choke your self

and release.

the blood rushes to your head

and clouds

coulds

clouds

purple stars.

and one day

you wont know when to release.

 

 

 

prozac to the rescue.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Regina Ave Maria

i scream and you shout.

and i wait for you to be gone

so i can move on.

war with the leaves that fall,

all dried up,

into my room.

its not that easy.

wheres the reaction?

 

 

left far behind the intention.

 

 

 

 

 

 

i wish i could have a child. i wish i was old enough. responsible enough. am i too random? but i really do. i want a small joy to look after. i want someone to live for and someone to die for. i wnat to love somebody and protect someone. i wish i could. if i was miles rich and didnt have to study or work ever, i would. i really would. id sacrifice a social life (not that i have much of that right now), parties, drinks, weed, cigarettes, friends, family.... everything... just to have a kid...

 

yes tell me its not as easy as that. i know that. and thats mhy i'm saying im not ready for it now. but i wish i was.

sigh

 

twirl your finger at you head and call me weird. but i long someone to say "doesnt he/she have her/his mothers eyes?"

 

 

gurl! get a life!....

whateva

my maternal instinct is playing up too early.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Regina Ave Maria

"ive got you under my skin

ive got you deep in the heart of me

so deep in my heart

that you're really a part of me

ive got you under my skin."

 

frank sinatras voice making gentle love to my bruised soul. and he only makes me smile. i love his warm voice. its like sitting beside a crackling fireplace and sipping on warm coffee. enveloped only by the wonderful heat from his gentle voice. i run out of word to describe this great man. like i said to someone (special) before, if sweet Frankie were still arnd, id be his groupie.. or better...i'd be his tramp...lol!!

 

i wish he were still around. i'd like to dress up for him in a strapless black dress that goes down to my toes. he'd play on that old black shiny grand piano. and while sipping on tequila, i'll lean on the piano and listen to him play and sing One For My Baby.

"its quater to three

there noone in the place except you and me.

so set it up joe.

i got a little story i think you should know.

we're drinking my friend

to the end

of a breif episode.

so make it one for my baby.

and one more for the road."

 

the simplistic words and emotions in this song.  "cant you make the music easy and sad." and i could tell you alot too. but whos going to listen to me till its talked away?

 

                    *****************************************

 

should i have said it? can it be true? is it just infatuation? im scared. i'm scared you'll know i'm scared and you'll be scared too. two scared people dont work well you know. i have no idea if i just created a bigger mess. and i dont know if its a bad thing or a good thing if it is a mess. i feel good right now. but suppose it just temporary. it doesnt feel temporary. but nothing eva has. but this torch that ive found is the only thing thats keeping me going. and i love you.

 

"make it one for my baby. and one for the long, so long, the long winding road."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Regina Ave Maria

i need my daily dose or i'll melt away into insanity. its just a placebo. but i need it now. i thought i found a friend to take me out of this place. but no. i sit here waiting for a blast of water to hit me right between the eyes. im facinated with the world beyond my footsteps. and i crave freedom. freedom. and im not alone.  standing side by side with you i wonder how i ever took those steps alone without you. you now seem indispensible. but you know you aren't. the competition always is playing hard. you have to be careful or you could get your self killed. like the spiders sting maybe, it could leave you numb, devoid of expression while wars rage inside your lonely soul.

 

i have nothign to wirte anymore. im repeating myself much too often. how about a fire then? to light up these dumb days. who's bringing the marshmallows? strum a few chord on that battered guitar and i'll make up a song. its in the deths of the drakest forest and on the shores of the roughest seas and yet we are treated as guests. privileged guests. 

 

and let our minds spiral off endlessly into the starry starry sky. make soft sweet love to me as we float along far behind the racing stars. kiss me with you sweet lips and the fire can read our minds. its raging. and like a rocket we race towards infinity. we feel nothingness around us. and we're in an endless vaccum. lift me out of these blues and shoot me up into the dark dark sky. look down on earth, a blueberry in space!

 

let me die here. floating through never endng space, staring at the world. the stars are my guardians looking after me and easing my soul out of this uncared for body. and let my limp body lie there, for it forever should be part of this vastness. i give you thanks for receiving.

 

sleep clouds over my mind though. hardly is my life bad i assure you. its just right. melodramatic as i am. why should i crave for more? never the less. you shoudlnt mind my constant blabber. i only seek for closure and empty arms to sink into. as i said, melodarmatc as i am, i shal watch you from my place. under the stars, over the earth.

 

 

 

 

 

Regina Ave Maria